


Mr. Chorizo's From Russia with Love

by MrChorizo



Category: Eurovision Song Contest RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 21:14:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6300655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrChorizo/pseuds/MrChorizo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the spring of 2016, a sex tape captivates the members of a Eurovision fan forum.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Leak

Adam’s butt was still sore but he didn’t mind. Sitting all day wasn’t good anyway. What mattered most to him was that the guy he had met yesterday was so good at fulfilling the cliché about black men. His thoughts were drifting again but his daydream was suddenly interrupted by his smartphone. “Breaking News: The Queen farted!” He couldn’t believe what he was reading. He hurried to his computer where he had stored just the right text for this occasion. Adam truly loved three things: The world’s greatest music show, black men that lived up to the cliché and the Queen. He had prepared texts for all kinds of events, so he could respond quickly to new developments. He was looking through the folder with the prepared forum posts: Death? No. Pregnancy? No. Sex scandal? No. Ah, there it was! Flatulence! He skimmed over the text and verified that all was correct. Within minutes of receiving the news, his post was already uploaded to the forum. Satisfied he sat back for a moment to relax.

“Her Royal Majesty the Queen of the English, the Welsh, the Scots, and the Northern Irish, Mother of Charles, and Breaker of Winds has gracefully blessed our beloved nation by expelling odorant gas from her royal posterior today. I have launched a petition in order to have this day of marvel declared a new national holiday to commemorate this joyous occasion. I propose that this day shall henceforth be known as ‘Her Majesty’s Winds Day’. Every year, children shall fly kites bearing the Union Flag on this day to remind us all of the winds beneath the wings of our beloved nation. Anyone who would like to sign my petition or help me collect signatures at the Royal Mall of Manchester, please reply to this thread or PM me.”

For now, he had just added a few stock photos to his post but he would add new pictures later. Satisfied with himself he grabbed a flash drive with the prepared leaflet for his campaign and headed to the nearest copy shop.

While waiting next to the copier, he logged into the forum via his smartphone to see how much of a stir this event had already caused. _Only two likes so far._ Adam frowned. One of them was a trusted friend but the other one he suspected to be a republican. _It might be an ironic like. I don’t deserve this! Where is everyone?_ He browsed through the forum looking for signs of activity. Maybe nobody was online at this time. He was wrong about that, however, as he soon found out for himself. Apparently, a major news story about the greatest television programme in the world had broken simultaneously and it had completely escaped him. He peeked at his leaflet featuring a baroque archway and an iron-wrought gate beneath the title _Fartgate_. Next to the gate stood a little boy flying a kite in the colours of the Union Flag wearing a school uniform that might have been described as outlandish by foreigners but from an English perspective it was unremarkable. It was a picture of himself from about fifteen years ago. Then his eyes were bound to the screen again. He just couldn’t believe what was going on. The forum was in a frenzy. It was madness.


	2. The Gentlemen’s Agreement

The only thing the forum members seemed to be talking about was the sex tape that had just been leaked on the internet. Seeing Vladimir Putin being pleasured by Sergey Lazarev wasn’t completely unexpected but Christer Björkman’s involvement in the orgy was a major surprise and shock for many fans. Sergey’s homosexuality had long been an open secret and many had suspected Putin of being a self-hating gay man comparable to the male population of the Vatican for quite some time, so the both of them having sex with each other just confirmed what many had suspected anyway. Sexual favours were a common way to earn a promotion in Russia and being able to represent Russia at a major international television event certainly required favours of some kind, so this all made sense. It wasn’t obvious why Björkman was in the video, however. Of course, everyone knew that he was an openly gay man but why would he participate in an orgy with Putin, Sergey and Sergey’s background dancers?

Many fans on the forum suspected that Björkman had been invited to join the orgy in order to close an agreement about Russia being declared the winner of the contest in 2016. A few Swedish forum members reacted by outright refusing to acknowledge that the man in the video even was Björkman and claimed that the man was someone else. According to them, it was all a trick by the infamous Sweden haters in the fan community to discredit Sweden.

There were mixed reactions to the content of the video. Many were excited to see Sergey nude, while some expressed that they had hoped for him to be bigger. Putin was nearly universally ridiculed for his insignificant endowment but defended by some Russian forum members, who claimed that these accusations were just politically motivated and that his size was fine for a short man like him. Björkman was busy with several background dancers who blocked the view and therefore prevented the fans from passing judgment, so random speculation dominated when people were talking about him.

Adam himself was quite pleased with Sergey and the background dancers although they were certainly no match for the black guy he had just met. Putin’s size was very convenient for oral sex but Sergey probably didn’t get much joy out of being anally penetrated by the Little Dicktator, as he was now called on social media all over the internet. Sergey only did it to be able to perform in Stockholm, and work isn’t always fun, so there was no need to pity him.

He watched Putin push into Sergey while the singer stroked his own dick doing his best to fake pleasure. After a few minutes, Putin decided to go for the infamous ass-to-mouth and one of the background dancers continued the anal penetration while Sergey was orally pleasuring the Little Dicktator. All the while, Björkman was busy in the background with the remaining background dancers. The video ended with Putin cumming on Sergey’s face and in his mouth and Sergey and the background dancer cumming on Sergey’s stomach at the same time. If the two older men had been replaced with younger guys, it would have been exquisite porn; there was no doubt about it.

Now the big question was what that would mean for the contest. Adam realized that he had received a new like hoping it would be about his _Fartgate_ campaign but someone had liked his post in the sex tape thread instead. The timing of the royal fart was far from ideal he had to admit. Adam moped and started to snack on a few krumkaker to lift his spirits.


	3. The Afterglow

As expected, Björkman denied that he was the guy in the background and the Reference Group did his bidding and announced that he said the truth according to their impartial investigation of the video. The Swedish forum members were getting cocky about that and emotions were running high. Since it was up to the broadcaster how to determine the national entry, no action would be taken as a consequence of the video and according to official statements, no breach of the rules had occurred.

The Kremlin had announced that the video was obviously doctored and that it didn’t depict the Russian president. When talking to the international media, the spokesperson of the Russian government added in broken English that everyone in Russia knew what a big dick Putin was and that it was therefore clear to every real Russian that the video was a fake. Sergey also denied his involvement and publicly kissed a girl on the cheek in an effort to demonstrate that he was actually straight. The media had meanwhile hired specialists to authenticate the video and all of the specialists agreed that the sex tape was genuine. The only media claiming otherwise were the Russian media, which had been especially adamant about their stance since the disappearance of three critical journalists.

The mood on the forum remained tense and the threads about Russia and Sweden had to be heavily moderated. The angry debate was somewhat restricted by the absence of many of Sergey’s fans who were too busy masturbating while watching the video to have any time left to post on the forum but the discussion was pretty ugly anyway. Worst of all, Adam’s _Fartgate_ campaign was a failure and he decided to end it after Buckingham Palace had released an official statement saying that the royal fart was actually expelled by Prince Philip. Not even Adam was interested in the farts of that old geezer.

The big question that was still heavily debated in the international media was how the video got out. A hitherto unknown Femen coven called SM Femen claimed responsibility but the identity of the members of that group remained unknown and their claim could not be verified. Many journalists considered it a joke inspired by the leather outfit worn by the man alleged to be Björkman and the whipping of several of the background dancers that was visible in the video.

Despite of the sex tape scandal Russia remained the bookmakers’ favourite to win the contest in May leading to speculation that the bookmakers believed that the alleged agreement between Björkman and Putin was still standing. Certainly, Sergey’s crappy outdated trash pop song was no contender for the win as long as there was no foul play involved.

It was still a few weeks until May and more often than not, it looked as if all the fans intended to do in the meantime was to bitch and fight. There was a silver lining, though. Daniela, the well-known Slovenian pundit, had made a video analysing the scandal earning her much respect from the quarrelling factions and there was a realistic chance that it could indeed help reunite the fandom, so there was at least hope that things would go back to normal. Being a fan of the greatest show on Earth wasn’t always easy but more importantly it was never boring.

# The End


End file.
